How I Got Here

All great journeys have a beginning.

Ever since I can remember I have been fascinated with religion and spirituality. With what people believed and how that belief influenced their lives. I began my spiritual life as a nominal Christian from which point I moved onto to Wicca, then more generic Paganism and finally back to Wicca before discovering Kemetic Orthodoxy. I’ve always been the type of person to ask questions and want to learn more, to have my current understanding questioned and changed based on evidence. I left Christianity because it stopped making sense to me, though I love the fellowship aspect it can have.

Being Pagan helped me to explore my faith freely but I needed a bit more structure in my spirituality. My experience with Wicca was absolutely wonderful and I love its emphasis on balance. Unfortunately, I often didn’t see that balance play out as it was described. It often seemed to me that books on Wicca tend to devote multiple chapters the religion’s concept of the Feminine Divine (The Goddess) with a paragraph on the Masculine Divine (The God) tacked on the end. I want to make it clear before I go further that it isn’t my intent to convince others how they must believe, frankly I have no interest in the idea. Rather it seemed to me that perhaps there was an important aspect of my beliefs that were not being served by the broader Wiccan community.

Throughout my long and at time tumultuous travel through my own faith there has always been one constant: my pull towards Ancient Egypt and its gods. I wish I could provide a better answer as to why that is, I really do. The truth is though that I have no idea why these unbelievably ancient, vast deities decided to pluck me out of my spiritual confusion and fireman carry me into Kemeticism. Even from the days of my childhood, I remember spending hours under the open skies rambling innocent prayers to Ra as I daydreamed.

For many years I found myself wandering through the sea of Paganism ungrounded and unbalanced. “I’m eclectic” I would announce to myself with a forced finality I most certainly didn’t feel. An eclectic path is valid of course, powerful and meaningful for the person who walks it. It just wasn’t for me. I would look to the sky when the lightning struck, utterly moved by the power and sentience I felt in it and I would be moved to prayer and adoration. But to Whom? Lists of storm deities from pantheons across the planet would scroll through my head like some kind of high school power point presentation. But it didn’t feel passionate, alive, from the heart. Something inside of me needed to know for sure: Who am I praying to? Whose power am I acknowledging? 

At the same time, I continued to struggle with my Wiccan practice. I loved The Goddess with all my heart but the same could be said of The God. Seeing Father Nature essentially ignored in mainstream Wicca was deeply saddening to me. As someone who met The Antlered King long before coming to face The Great Mother, I felt a primal need to worship Him as Her equal. I began to seriously reevaluate my spiritual life, do I really belong in this community? Do I really fit? As I wrestled with my beliefs I found myself coming closer to the Egyptian gods or Netjeru. They felt so familiar and comforting, so utterly alive. Embracing Them came easy because They felt like home.

In those early days of walking this path I completely submerged myself in all of the information I could find, delighting in learning more about these gods that felt like family and the people that worship Them. I’ll admit my Wiccan practice found itself parked to the side as I tried to figure out just who I was. I actually went back and forth quite a bit: Am I Wiccan with Egyptian gods? Am I wholly Kemetic? Which do I choose? My heart ached at the idea of leaving Wicca behind but my soul could not tolerate the prospect of turning my back on my newly found Kemeticism. That’s when I finally started to figure things out.

It probably seems obvious to anyone reading this now but at the time it hadn’t yet occurred to me. As I thought and searched and questioned it slowly dawned on me that the only one who expected me to “pick a side” was myself. Why should I choose between the old friend that has always been by my side or the destiny that I was in some way returning to? My journey as a dual-trad Polytheist has helped me to accept and understand myself and the differences (as well as similarities and fellowship) between my beliefs and others. I no longer feel a strange sadness, the odd feeling of something being missing in my spiritual life. It isn’t always pretty or easy to manage the two halves of my path but then, polytheism itself isn’t always simple or easy either.

©Terra Akhert 2019