Sometimes life throws you curveballs. It happens a lot, really. It’s easy to get swept up in the mundane and begin to neglect things beyond it. I know I’m guilty of this. No number of explanations or excuses I can muster could really make up for that.
Although I offer to my ancestors every day, and Loki when he asks, and the Morrigan on one week out of the month which I have set aside…for some reason, it’s the gods I love the most that I have the most difficulty approaching when my life falls out of balance. I start finding any excuse to neglect my rites and rituals and offerings to the Egyptian gods.
Of course the Morrigan noticed before I did. As much as working with her and serving her pains me, I am not so foolish as to deny her wisdom and foresight. More directly, she pointed out that though I serve her in fear, I do still serve her, so perhaps I would do well to fear the Egyptians a little more. I don’t personally want to serve anyone out of fear, but I understood what she meant last month, and I failed to heed that thinly veiled warning.
I fell into the procrastination and apathy trap. I told myself I wanted to offer to the Egyptian gods I work with every Tuesday since it’s an assured day off from work, but I would make excuses to myself that I was too tired, needed more time to rest after work from Monday, and so on. Or I would say that I have nothing good enough to offer. Or I would simply get distracted in talking to my friends and partners. And then it was how much time I was spending clinging to my partner that made me realize how unbalanced I was getting. Putting all my eggs in one basket with my energy, metaphorically speaking. I apologized to my partner for being overbearing, but not before a good textual slap in the face from a good friend of mine who called me out on all my excuses and apathetic garbage. Something in that latter conversation stands out to me still:
As someone who sometimes has precognitive concepts, I feel that much of my life is set and fated. I often get bitter over this, despite the fact that the very notion has kept me from doing stupid things many times over. I described it as feeling like I live along a moving sidewalk path. If I try to run backwards on it, the movement of the sidewalk simply speeds up and I continue where it wants anyway. If I try to walk or run with it concurrent with its direction, then I get thrown into situations before I’m ready. If I try to stop and appreciate something nice along the way, those things slip from my grip so quickly I can barely process it. I feel at the mercy of it, as if I can only let fate drag me on its moving sidewalk like a dog on a chain. It’s infuriating. Just as I was ranting about that fury, my friend gave a text shrug and told me I just needed an attitude adjustment. I wound up crying for nearly an hour because I couldn’t quite wrap my head around why it was so wrong to just want to stop and appreciate how well my life was going for once before the other shoe dropped and I’d be thrust back into work.
Then I realized: it’s not wrong at all to want to appreciate the good things in life. My problem wasn’t that, so much as that I was clinging so desperately to any shred of happiness that I was choking it. It’s a pattern I’ve seen myself fall into many times before. The same situation almost led me to failing Honors Chemistry II in high school. I was too busy texting my girlfriend in class and spending time with her instead of doing my optional homework that I really should have done to grasp the concepts better.
To take it a step further and apply that back to my practice, I realized with full shame that I was in pretty much the same place. I’ve only been offering during my bad times, and then when times are good, I cling to the good in the mundane and have neglected not only my other mundane duties, but also my duty to the gods. This seems to be a common problem across people. The feeling of needing to find excuses even for the things we want to do is something I’ve seen many people struggle with.
So this post is both something of a confession and a notice. I know I need to set a schedule and actually keep it. Keeping the train going has always been difficult for me, but at this stage in my life, I don’t really have the time for that kind of dilly-dallying. But it’s okay. It happens. All we can do is return back to the offerings we owe and remember that sometimes that balancing the mundane requires a little help from the divine.